if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
