I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
