Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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