Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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