Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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