I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
