very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
