you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
