my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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