Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
