how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
