I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Bang-toberfest begins!!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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