What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize