whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
