dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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