Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The struggles of a small town man whore
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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