I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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