I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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