I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
