My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
