did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
