i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
