My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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