About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I understand Curling. That high.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
