you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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