soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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