I skipped work to stalk him.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
