Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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