my phone needs a breathalizer
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
