No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
