Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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