Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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