the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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