i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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