Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
