he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
