That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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