BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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