dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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