we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
