I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
