what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
