It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
