I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize