You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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