Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize