Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
