I cannot find my penis.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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