I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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