His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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