and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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