if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
