I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
