this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
