i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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