He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Are we still banned from the library?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize