i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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