oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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